My mother used to say of her mother, "If she's going to treat me like a child, I'm going to act like one." Even as a child this sentiment struck me as a rather unconscious approach to life. But as the years have rolled on I have realized that people often do rise or fall to the level that you treat them. 

I recall working in a record store in a very urban area. We sold a lot of Hip Hop and Gangster Rap. I remember one customer coming in and fitting many of the potentially intimidating stereotypes of that demographic. 

My first inclination was to not interrupt his hunt for whatever cassette (yep it was awhile ago) he was searching for and just stay up at the counter playing with some random Ninja Turtle stickers I'd been left with. 

But instead of obliging that initial fear based inclination I rolled out from behind the counter, walked right up to what many may have considered a "menacing character" and without any sense of irony, asked him if he wanted a Ninja Turtle sticker. 

And you know what I got as a response? "Yeah, man. Cool!" His tone was understated but he was obviously struck by the offer and small gesture of kindness. 

Because he, I suspect..as I have done so many times in my own life, was trying to project a self image that would likely KEEP people who were not "SAFE" away from him. 

Not safe physically, as he was obviously physically capable of that. No...this was an emotional safety. Keeping those who would judge him without recourse or reference at bay. Essentially becoming the "character" they already may have imagined him to be. 

Some of us have learned to be more self referencing and self regulating as a matter of survival. As one of the generation of "latch key" kids I had to learn on some level to become my own cheerleader. 

As a teen performing in a high school jazz band, my mother would occasionally come to a performance but as she was also a single mother and at that time had 2 little ones at the house to care for, she often did not. 

I empathized and rationalized but failed to acknowledge or give voice to that innate sense of lack of support and disappointment that my inner child felt. It may not have changed the circumstances but it would have honored what was true for me emotionally. 

These are the skills we are generally not taught or awarenesses we are not given early enough in life. 

Instead, I continued to attempt pulling from a well that had never been dug deep enough in the first place. But it was what pushed me to excel in many ways as a musician. 
Humiliation is a powerful motivator. 

When I studied acting with the great acting coach and artist, Melba Martinez I was given a powerful new awareness about how one can rise...or fall...to another's expectations. 

Mebla is what I would call a chronic validator. I say this in the most positive light. The world NEEDS more validators. Not arbitrary ones. Not one's who validate in order to GET validation. But that almost magical ability to see the potential and good in nearly everything. To offer ways of improvement without taking anything away from what had already been exhibited or accomplished. 

Working with her I experienced a re-birth of my inner child. It was as if I had been a man stumbling around lost in a lifeless desert who had finally come upon the life giving waters of an beautiful and lush Oasis. 

I began to ask myself questions like; who could I have become if that kind of support and nurturance had been my baseline throughout my life. What extraordinary projects could I have accomplished if my well had been dug deep enough, if I didn't have to spend time and psychic energy unraveling my subconscious motivators. What kind of relationships could I have attracted if my cup was full. 

But this kind of inquiry is all for not. What I can do now I seek out the support that my inner child so desperately craves and thrives on from those have the capacity for it. Not, as I have in the past, tried to get, "blood our of a Turnip", as the old adage goes. One should not be surprised by the lack of capacity for support or co-regulation in another if they themselves have little or no reference for it in their own life. 

Equally important is that I can/do my absolute best to make sure that my beautiful boy has that supportive, unconditional, encouraging and co-regulated baseline to operate from so that as he confronts the challenges of living in this world his inner monologue never has to begin with "Am I enough?" 

In summary. Aim high! Treat others to the level of their potential not their current state. This must begin at home. Within. Be a time traveler...act according to your vision of tomorrow not according to your memories of the past.